I came across this email I sent a while ago and it seems sadly classic. I know we all don’t relate to every experience each other has, but I’m hoping there is enough “universal” in the thought process to help as many as possible feel “seen”. 

After surviving the ravages of 2 years of near-deadly restricting, health and fitness obsession as an identity and emotional eating, I found myself in “Oh, you’re weight restored and aren’t so extreme with food and exercise so you must be fine” Land. 

Except that I wasn’t fine.

I was just in a different – new – kind of hell. An invisible hell where the underlying isn’t addressed but the behaviors are “managed”. And show up again when familiar circumstances hit the nervous system. Blarg. 

One where my insides and brain were silently screaming “Why can’t anyone see that I’m still struggling? And clearly getting on some new plan isn’t it but that’s what my system knows. Focus on some external fix.”

So, I spent the next 5 years trying to not go back to where I came from, but at the same time, desperately not wanting to weigh more and not knowing how to navigate all the activation inside. 

It meant another looping, whack-o-mole 5 years of deprivation-driven and emotional eating, over- and under-movement and generally gas-lighting myself that I shouldn’t be struggling because I knew better. 

I didn’t have a medically unstable eating disorder anymore, it was more like the typical dieter and eating that felt out of control because of incongruent beliefs about how to pursue health and what is a worthy person and general guilt for having needs and existing — so yeah, I was definitely not recovered.

Familiar?

I see you.

Being free from the ravages of diet culture isn’t just about “eating normally”.

→ It’s about being able to know what you need and want with food and how to get it without panicking at the store.

→ It’s about freeing up space to have spoons to get to the store and cook, and live in your life without feeling like you need a nap from the overwhelm. It’s About the compassion to understand that fed is always good enough when pain, auto immune or trauma memories flair.

→ It’s about feeling willing to find satisfaction from food, and life and not put up barriers to receiving nourishment of all kinds. Even if no one else affirms it. 

→ It’s about knowing when enough is enough; in food, work, people, and knowing whose emotions are whose. I’m talking to you my sensitive friends who “know” what it seems like no one else sees. 

→ It’s about being able to slow down without feeling like everything will fall apart. This is the big one here. I needed the armor to go down that all the body blaming and health obsession put between me and the past and fear of future rejection and build some internal agency. 

And because I didn’t know how to do any of this ⬆️, I blamed all my struggles on my body size. 

It was 5 long years of dieting, binging, and running from myself.

I so wish back then that I had people around me who “got it”. 

* To validate that it wasn’t as easy as “eat more, eat less”, “love your body”, etc.
* I needed people to give me permission to eat. 
* To be kind to myself. 
* To lovingly call me in, without shaming me, when I was running away from the internal discomfort. 
* To have “just enough” information to calm my fact-needing mind without turning it into another thing I became so obsessed with that it stopped me from taking action.
* To know that what was really going on with the desire to weigh less and be “in control” was an attempt to find safety, love, acceptance, and power and avoiding self-hatred and deprivation of having my sensitive self be seen.

I say if all of this because I want you to see the nuance of it all and want to save you time so you can reclaim much more of your life back from diet culture, quicker. 

My team and I care about your becoming. We desire not only your peace (not perfection) with food, health and body but you believing in your bones that you belong.