“Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice because the flow that passed will pass
again.” Lissa Rankin
One of the most common concerns for my clients is that they believe they can’t be happy unless they
reach a certain (usually lower) weight. Sometimes it’s not a number , but a look, level of leaness, etc.
And in their minds, all there is a tunnel vision that goes something like this:
I can only be happy if I weigh 130 said the women at 160.
“ When were you last 130 without starving or binging?” I would say.
“13yo” she states sheepishly
“What was happening then”?
Below is a summary of her journey of what 130# really meant:
This women at 25yo had to grieve that fact that her paradise had been lost at 13. Her family fell apart,
her child-like body and role in her family changed and she had to deal with the labryth that can be
adolescence. Her weight gained was a signal for her of failure to meet ideals: of having the right body,
of the right family and of believing that in order for her to be perfect, she had to know how to handle
every situation (with no prior experience mind you) with ease. No wonder 160# has an adult felt so bad.
It had nothing to do with feeling physically bad at 160# but that 160 felt like a failure that was visible
because she believe that everyone knew what she felt like in her mind. So she spent years tyrying to
recapture 130# to feel like it was less visible that she wasn’t perfect.
Until this day, she had never considered that 130# was her “kid weight” (no one explained to her that it
is normal to gain weight in adolesence so she followed the lead of the dieting adults around her), that
dieting makes you larger in the long run the longer you diet, and that weight ideals are in place in this
culture for many industries to profit, replacing pursuing developing resiliency and authenticity of self to
putting the “right image” out there to mask what might be going on inside or at home behind closed
That is what 130 really meant to her. Now she got a chance to make new memories at 160# instead of believing that 160# was the wrong place to be.
WE cannot recreate love, safety or simplicity from the past by being at a lower weight now. You might
weigh less now, but feel less love one moment, more at another. You might weigh more now, and feel
more or less love. Like the quote above states, we will never feel or be the same at the same weight
again. You have different resources, tools and experiences to cope with your feelings of scared or sad or lack than you had in the past so even if you weight more now, who says you can’t give yourself what you
need without the fantasy of believing that a thinner body will do that for you?
I wonder about how much your fulfillment has to do with what you weigh now vs how present you are
to the love, safety and ability to live with less drama that is available to you at the very second?
What do you think? Would love to hear your thoughts. This is a tough topic that takes compassion,
curiosity and courage to witness. Please allow space for this to move through you without judgment.
Thank you so much for writing this. I plan to re-read it often.
I am glad it was helpful. It is so often what keeps us stuck? Believing that a lower, past weight was somehow better while over-looking the bigger picture of life?